Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Happiness- where to find it?

Nothing can ever be right for you.. this is what one of my best friends told me during a heated argument. It could have come out just at the spark of the moment but there was hell a lot of truth in it. Its not that I am happy to hear that from a friend.. it cant come from someone who is a true friend still I just looked back to see what had gone wrong and why. I probably lost the friend in that process but found myself back..

Somehow I feel that how much ever women pose to be or want to be self reliant or independent its tough for them. I might be wrong in generalizing but this is how I find it. I see that my happiness is mostly built around others.. their acceptance and acknowledgment. Please don't read this as "sacrifice" or being " selfless" cuz its still " my" happiness. All the time, I expect others to keep me happy and it
has never come from within except for very very rare instances. Right from childhood its been that way. I do a painting..I need that nod from my Dad to feel good about it be it the best or worst of my paintings. Its another thing that my Dad loves me too much to say anything bad about it. This way.. he has pampered me and kept me away from what is the real world. when he got tired and let me to face it.. it threatened me and I was almost lost for sometime. I kept running from one to another be it my work.. me singing or painting, writing.. sharing a joke.. expressing love and affection .. For both the simplest and most complicated things I needed acceptance from others. Few of them are fortunate enough to get it from one or the other all the time. Few like me, who wish to be self reliant in few matters and dependent in other situations find it difficult because of the conflicting interests. When things that I do for others, ignoring the pain and hardship involved
expecting nothing in return but acknowledgment for the love ( not even reciprocation), goes unnoticed and worst.. is thrown back at me saying its of no use or never expected.. I feel hurt.

Women happiness is mostly built around people near and dear to them... which is why most of them are unhappy. I wont say this is as nature.. its in the way we are brought up. Its changing these days..Unlike those of my age or my Moms generations, girls these days are changing. They know what they want for their own self, have likes and dislikes of their own and know how to demand or get it. Earlier I used to despise them.. felt they were selfish. over smart or cunning. However then I realise that there has been lot of times when I have belonged to that category ..Even while I am sitting here writing this, my Moms out in the kitchen washing dishes.. I could have opted to help her but didn't as I am selfish.. Still, I cant but feel guilty about it which is why I chose to help her whenever she asks me to though not voluntarily. She would be really glad if I do it voluntarily but I chose not to pay for her helplessness.. her leniency with others.This makes me realise another fact all of a sudden. I actually try to please people whom I want to.. who arent easily pleased while I completely ignore those ( like my Mom) whom I take for granted..

What you give is what you get back. This seems to be a cycle. You ignore people who love you, care less for them and run after those who dont care for you as much as Why? I wish I could answer that.Back to the topic of happiness being built around others.. I learnt this lesson the tough way. Its exactly when I look for support and love from others, I find them missing. When I find myself lonely in a crowd and see how even the near and dear ones have gone that extra mile or compromised to find happiness for their own self.. I realise that I need to change. I feel this every now and then and I try to change but somehow end up getting back to being my older self... wish I change someday and things tend to being right for me...

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